


You Inspire Me (to be nothing like you)

by YourLocaICryptid (orphan_account)



Series: Our Secrets Make Us Sick [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alpha Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Arguments, Beta Chae Hyungwon, Bullying, Consent, Consent Issues, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Internal Conflict, Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X)-centric, M/M, More angst, Multi, No Smut, OT7, Omega Im Changkyun | I.M, Polyamory, Resolving Conflict, Self-Hatred, Slut Shaming, Talking About Consent, and just when you think its over, but no one knows except you, i literally tried, i tried okay, i tried to write fluff but um, it comes back, look - Freeform, minhyuk is angsty, thats right, there is so much angst, trying to form a healthy relationship, you can guess how that went
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24580720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/YourLocaICryptid
Summary: Maybe it’s not us. Have you ever thought that maybe it’s you who’s the problem?Minhyuk doesn't want to be a problem.(Fixed the trash ending ✌)
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun/Lee Hoseok/Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk/Son Hyunwoo/Yoo Kihyun, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Minhyuk
Series: Our Secrets Make Us Sick [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761415
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	You Inspire Me (to be nothing like you)

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend you read my main work before this or it'll make no sense. This is set during chapter 9 of my main work, after Hyungwon and Minhyuk's argument. You're all going to hate me because of how insecure my characters are but whatever, I'm not crying about it. This is unbeta'd so sorry about any mistakes. I'm tired so be nice thanks. 
> 
> tw kinda slut shaming, derogatory terms, self-hatred, strongish language

Minhyuk has heard it a thousand times, growing up.

_You're too weird as a person. You’ll end up being a soft, stupid kind of beta or a fucked up omega that no one wants_. Even his parents had thought it. Every time they were called into school, his teachers saying something or another about his reflexive submission around alphas, about his desperation to satisfy, his wide eyed glances and clutching fingers, his parents would turn to him in that same reproaching way, have that weird look on their faces which wasn’t exactly something but wasn’t _nothing_ either, it was somewhere between _we’ve heard this one too many times before_ and _what the fuck do you want us to do about it?_

His teachers would always speak as though he wasn’t there, as though he was stupid, even up until high school before he presented, eying him cautiously from the corner of their eyes- _It isn't normal but it isn't something to worry about either. Maybe you can take him to a specialist? It isn't so unusual that children adhere to the temperaments of their secondary gender before they’ve officially presented. If his nature is going to influence him so heavily then maybe it’s best to have him on some sort of medication? It’s just that the other children are so wary of him, we need to consider the feelings of everyone, not just your son._

Maybe it started when he was young, this desperation to please, he’d been dubbed an omega for almost his whole life, brushed under the rug and as he’d approached puberty the kids in school had told him to pack his bags, to get ready, because as soon as he presented he’d get the boot, get sent to some omega training place to learn how to be soft and docile and perfect for his future mate. His parents hadn’t ever suggested such a thing- it’s not like they were living in the early 1900’s where omegas still had to fight for any rights- and the government had started to introduce licenses needed to own a place that dealt with omegas. They weren’t supposed to be all bad, but still. He’d heard in passing of what happened to omega males, horror stories to scare children into sleeping at night but all they did was keep him up with the torturous _what if?’_ s.

He’d kept it quiet but as he noticed the change in his voice and his sudden sporadic growth spurts he really had begun to pack his stuff away, done everything his parents had asked of him without a word of complaint, woken up early and helped his mother clean the house. He’d stayed quiet in school, answering the teacher’s questions, smiling at all the right people, thinking _maybe if I'm good they won’t send me away, maybe if I'm good enough I can convince them that I deserve to stay_. But all _that_ had earned him was the sneers of his fellow classmates as he heard the hushed whispers in the corridors, the taunting smirks as they avoided him like the plague and were quick in labelling him, _eager to please~_ People had even placed bets, _I’ll be the first to fuck him when he presents as an omega, just you watch, he’ll be so damn easy_ and _whoever misses out on getting their dick sucked has to buy us all tteokbokki when we next go out_.

It wasn’t like there had been any doubts about it. His parents never bothered to buy him expensive clothes, to dress him well and respectably because the general public view was still that omegas were prostitutes, public property, their bodies a hotel for anyone to rent as they pleased- why would an omega need to wear nice clothes? Everyone knew they were worth more naked and stripped down to the skin. He was never spoken to about future career planning or college or university and that was as good as proof- with an omegas body why would he need a job? All he needed was an alpha who wanted his bed warming and a fistful of bank notes, who cared if it ended in an unwanted pregnancy and even more labels thrown around? _Whore, slut, desperate, easy_ … yes, it was the 2000’s but some people still treated it as though this was the renaissance and flashy omegas were the best accessory to be hanging of your elbow.

He was thrust into the deep end of teenage life, no one wanted to befriend a freak show and his parents had flipped him off to turn to Jungmin, his younger brother who was already showing all the right signs of being a strong and reliable alpha. By the time he was fifteen, half of his class had already presented and stank of teenage hormones, the other half not far behind. Over three quarters had their eyes on Minhyuk, calling him fair game like he was some type of animal, squeezing his waist or pinching his ass every time he passed someone even mildly in tuned with the general gossip. His parents started getting pissed off when his teachers still called them in, telling him that he’ll never get a nice mate if he had eyes for everyone and he should make a conscious effort to behave respectively or they’ll have no choice but to enroll him into an omega training centre.

He had practically resigned himself to his fate, made peace with his body and the fact that he was too strange for anyone to actually like or even consider being in a relationship of any kind with, realised that he wasn’t normal, was too much of this and not enough of that, not good enough to be an omega, not bad enough to be an beta and _why, why wasn’t this working?_

He presented in the middle of high school and it made sense, punched him straight in the face as though it should have been obvious, _you're no good at being an omega because you're not one, you freak._

No, instead he was an _alpha_.

He realised soon enough that he was no fucking good at being an alpha either. He presented in the middle of class of all places, one moment he was fine, a little hot, a little sweaty but _fine_ and the next the air smelled sour and strong of pheromones and everyone was staring at him because _what the fuck, how is in possible that little slut Lee Minhyuk is actually an alpha?_ Even his teacher had looked surprised, had stammered over his words telling him to leave the class, call his parents to pick him up, take a few days off school, do this and this and this- suddenly treating him like a human because _oh shit, he’s an alpha_ and his teacher was only a beta.

Being an alpha had the equivalence of being born with a silver spoon in your mouth, it earned you respect for doing absolutely nothing but it’s not like Minhyuk had actually _cared_ , he was just thankful that his parents were suddenly all the more interested in him, shoving college applications under his nose, buying him new things and giving him freedom to actually live his life. Had he expected things to do a full one-eighty now that he somehow found himself at the top of the food chain? He was still a freak, an alpha that didn’t act like an alpha, he was still the same _eager to please_ Minhyuk that he had been before he presented and his classmates seemed to share the same sentiment. Sure, his body didn’t naturally produce slick, he didn’t have the delicate proportions of an omega, but that didn’t stop the boys in his class from being as vulgar as possible, groping him as he walked to the bus stop and eying him up unashamed, pressing up against him and breathing hot down his neck. They weren’t interested in fucking him anymore, but somehow this was worse.

No one suddenly started liking him- he was still the same lonely Lee Minhyuk except now he had this smoky scent following him around and his wolf growled loud in his ear with vengeance every time someone felt him up. So he stopped being so easy, let his eyes flash red whenever someone got too close, vowed off any stupid dependencies he might have had, taught himself that the cure to his isolation couldn’t be found in other people. He kept pretence tied to his forehead, the image of a big, bad, strong alpha that his parents were so desperate for him to become. He changed schools, became a different person that no one had ever seen. Left _freak show, eager to please_ Lee Minhyuk far behind him, grovelling in the dirt. So what if this new face wasn’t as comfortable as his original one? Everyone loved him like this. If he tried hard enough, he could even convince himself that he preferred this face over the last.

Still, he vowed not to be like the alphas in his old school, swore off filthy stereotypes and thinking that being an alpha made you benevolent. He wasn’t going to become _eager to please, lonely, problematic_ Lee Minhyuk every again but that didn’t mean he would become a complete piece of shit either.

+

Would his old self hate the new him? Minhyuk doesn't know. Hyungwon's words ring loud and clear in his ears, even hours later.

_You can't get enough of fucking people over, can you?_

He squeezes his eyes shut as he leans back in his seat. The tv is playing some rerun of an SBS drama starring Park Shinhye and Lee Minho but he’s barely paying attention. The other members are engrossed enough, sitting a distance away from him as he curls in on himself, leaning his head on a closed fist and watching the actors without really taking anything in. Ever since the whole situation with Changkyun happened the members decided to put two and two together and ended up with a thousand, blowing things way out of proportion and blatantly taking sides. Maybe they thought he wouldn’t notice it, but how couldn’t he? He asks Jooheon with his softest smile- _Shall we go out for a meal? Hyung will pay~_ but all he gets in return is an uncomfortable glance, _Not today, hyung, I'm `busy_ , or _I need to watch my weight, hyung, I can't afford to gain even a pound_ , or maybe even just flat out, _Ask someone else, hyung, don’t ask me_.

Things like that just pile up and there’s only so long he can pretend that he still thinks its just a coincidence that the other members barely talk to him, look at him weird and deny any offer to spend time with him. It cuts him deeper than he’s willing to admit but it’s not like he blames them for choosing Changkyun over him- he knows he made a shitty move no matter how much he didn’t mean it but he’s already apologised for it too. He didn’t try to blame someone else for what he did, accepted his mistake for what it was so he can't understand why everyone else is pointing fingers. Maybe he’s getting in his own head too much, overthinking things to the point of distortion. Maybe its his own fault again, for feeling too much, for wanting to help too much.

_Eager to please_. Hasn’t he always been that? Even when he tried to bury it down, there’s still a part of him that’s desperate to be accepted. He knows that if he stands by the door, holding it open and flashing neon exit signs then he can't really cry when people end up leaving. Still, that doesn't make it hurt any less, when he was younger the people in his class asked him why he stopped living with his parents and his lips had numbed around the answer, _Whatever I am, they don’t want me_ , and it was close enough to the truth. He’s used to the door being open by now, he even kind of likes the breeze it brings in during the summer.

His eyes flicker to the other members- Changkyun and Hyungwon finally dragged themselves back out of that tiny box room and are sharing a seat, sitting so entangled that its impossible to tell whose limb is who’s. Changkyun only shows that kind of closeness with Hyungwon, something which definitely irks the other members, though obviously not enough to bring it up. Neither of them is even pretending to be interested in Park Shinhye who is currently delivering some passionate monologue about something or another behind the screen. No, they're completely absorbed in one another, speaking into each other’s ears in low voices, touching each other’s faces tenderly, pressing their foreheads together, talking and talking and Minhyuk aches because even when the members could stand the sight of him, he never knew a closeness like that. Changkyun's eyes wander to him as though he senses Minhyuk's gaze and smiles, small and gentle but definitely there. Minhyuk doesn't have it in him to smile back and Hyungwon is twisting in his seat to look at him a second later, all dark eyes and flashing anger and Minhyuk turns away completely.

_You're so intense, you think that you're superior!_

He drums his fingers against the arm of chair, waiting a minute before daring to look up again and when he does Hyungwon and Changkyun have gone back to talking to each other, more drawn in, undisturbed. Minhyuk sighs softly, looking towards Kihyun who rests his head against Hyunwoo’s shoulder and then at Jooheon who has his head in Hoseok’s lap. There wouldn’t be place for him amongst them even he wanted there to be, even though he knows that on a normal day Hoseok would be dragging him by the wrist and burying his face into Minhyuk's scent gland, even though he knows that usually by now Kihyun or Jooheon would have said something about the bedroom and they would’ve ended up beneath sweat soaked sheets some point later at night, or maybe they would’ve just gotten impatient and ended up fucking on this stupidly small chair, ignoring everyone’s shouts to _go get a room you little shits, we’re trying to watch tv_.

But this isn't another day. Minhyuk is supposedly _so intense_ , he _can't get enough of fucking people over_ , so maybe it’s better for everyone that he keeps his distance. Maybe he got it wrong again and it’s the other way round, everyone already knows that he thinks he’s _superior_ and have gotten sick of the way he is, decided he’s too much effort to be around. It’s not like it’s their fault he’s hard work.

He wasn’t even _angry_ at Hyungwon. He wasn’t even going to think about it afterwards and yet here he is, drowning himself in something resembling regret. He’d sat in the laundry room for a whole ten minutes just staring mutely at the packet when he’d first seen it, at the white powder that had come out of Hyungwon's clothes and he hadn’t known how to react. He'd just sat there dumbly, overthinking. He'd been so _scared_ when he realised how beyond him the whole situation was, he could deal with the smoking if Hyungwon told him that he really just couldn’t quit, but he never prepared himself for something like this, it hadn’t even occurred to him that he would have to. He’d gone into speaking to the beta with all good intentions- he certainly hadn’t expected it to end in an argument so colossal that he’d be sitting here now thinking about it, adding it to the list of reasons why everyone fucking _hates_ him.

_First Changkyun, and now me- maybe you should just see the pattern and realise where you're not needed._

He glances back to where they're both sitting again only to see Changkyun watching him with a strange look on his face, something that Minhyuk can't figure out and he doesn't turn away abashed, shy of being caught looking. Instead he raises an eyebrow in question and Minhyuk needs to remind himself that their maknae isn't one of those stupid kids who try to act cute and just end up making themselves look ridiculous- Changkyun is observant, more observant than the other members for sure and Minhyuk shakes his head in response, _I'm fine, there’s nothing wrong, stop looking at me like that, like you feel sorry for me or something, I don’t even feel sorry for myself so I don’t need you to waste your time feeling all the things that I don’t._ Things aren’t as bad as they have been between them, especially not after the last time Minhyuk scented him and a few hours ago when Minhyuk gave him the pep talk that he should have got years ago.

Things aren’t _bad_ between them, but they aren’t good, either. By that he means they could be better, _he_ could be better, could work harder on fixing whatever they have going on between them, stop half assing these things, sitting around thinking they’ll sort themselves out.

Changkyun murmurs something into Hyungwon's ear who turns and looks at him again, eyes no less sharp as they penetrate through him, hard and accusing and Minhyuk feels something dizzying burrow within him. He’s sick of feeling responsible for the failure of all his relationships, sometimes it feels like no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much effort he invests, it all goes to waste. Look, he tried to fix things with Changkyun- he knows he can't erase his fingerprints off of the alphas skin, can't pretend that nothing ever happened but he’s not _asking_ for Changkyun to do that. He just wants things to go back to how they were but every time he tries to take a step forwards something happens which pushes him back and all the progress is lost- he may as well have been sitting on his feet, biting his nails for all his consideration ends up being worth.

_We were doing fine before you decided to make our business yours._

Changkyun stands to his feet, walking around the sofas, eyes never leaving Minhyuk as he approaches. The room is dark, the only light is from the tv and the other members cast him sideway glances, Hyungwon watches them both with narrowed eyed, leaning forwards on the palms of his hands, blatantly defensive, ready to intervene as soon as Minhyuk makes a mistake. He’s so fucking tired of being regarded as a wild animal that needs caging, he isn't some problem that needs to be solved but all everyone seems to be doing lately is treating him like one.

Changkyun stands by the arm of his chair, tilting his head, something indiscernible behind his eyes as he waits as though he expects Minhyuk to say something. _Well I won’t_ , Minhyuk thinks bitterly. _Every time I open my mouth, we need damage control and you have five boyfriends who are watching me right now like I'm the devils incarnate, daring me to even breathe out of line_. As if sensing this, Changkyun huffs lightly, smiles softly before taking Minhyuk's hand and squeezing into the tiny space next to him, “I can sit here, right hyung?” As though Minhyuk would actually tell him no.

He nods hesitantly and Changkyun relaxes next to him, there really isn't enough space for two people so they're pressed up against each other so close that Changkyun is almost sitting on his lap. The closeness seems almost foreign, a stark contrast to what they’d been a few weeks ago, Changkyun finding every opportunity to keep out of his way and Minhyuk doing the same to keep the ice. But Minhyuk has tried his damn hardest to make peace and it clearly hasn’t gone over Changkyun’s head- he’s getting back as good as he gives and that has to count for something. Changkyun grins, soft dimples touching his cheeks and Minhyuk feels his heart flutter as he huffs out a tiny sigh.

“Hyung.” Changkyun says quietly, pressing even closer. “What’s wrong?”

_Maybe it’s not us. Have you ever thought that maybe it’s you who’s the problem?_

Minhyuk doesn't want to be a problem. These days he can't help but to feel like there’s this hum between himself and the other members, it’s a black hole sort of thing, a _let’s not talk about this today_ sort of thing, a _why would you think that?_ sort of thing, a _what the fuck’s the point of pretending?_ sort of thing.

It’s fine, he gets it. Really, he does.

It’s fine that they're getting sick of him and his hands which he can't keep to himself and his eyes which are kind of tired because he can't sleep at night- of course he can't, not when he’s got a million things on his mind, not when he lays beneath his covers with his hand over his mouth and his eyes squeezed shut praying to whatever god might be out there, _please, not yet, I still have more to give, I can be better, please let them give me another chance and I’ll show them, I’ll change. I’ll be different. I’ll be better_. It’s fine that they hate him until it’s 2am and he’s still awake- its fine until it isn't.

He swallows thickly, ignores Changkyun’s eyes which are narrowed as they watch him, scrutinising, stripping him down until he’s bare and vulnerable and people are spitting on him, laughing, _that’s what you call an alpha these days?_ “I'm fine, Kyun-ah. Really.”

Everyone’s gaze on him right now is hard and penetrating, accusing, _you're making a mess of this already, you're making our Kyunnie uncomfortable,_ as though he isn't pressed to the arm of the chair, leaning forwards on the balls of his feet to get up and leave the moment Changkyun says the word.

In his head, things happen differently. In his head, he does everything right.

Changkyun laughs in that cute way he does sometimes, short and breathy, dimples and teeth and his fingers tighten around Minhyuk's, “I mean, hyung, if you're going to lie then at least lie well, you know?” But all Minhyuk hears is, _you're full of shit, hyung, this is why no one fucking likes you_. He makes a noise, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, _I'm really not here, Kyun-ah, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. The tv is on but I'm kind of faraway right now. I don’t apologise for leaving. If I didn’t go then I would have destroyed myself a long time ago._

He doesn't say all that. He laughs again but it sounds hollow in his own ears, shakes his head. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. The truth? There’s obviously something. Tell me one thing that’s bothering you. It'll make you feel better, saying it out loud.”

_It won’t._ Minhyuk thinks desperately. How can it? The truth is a vice, it has him around the throat in a death grip, has him pushed against a wall with a hand over his mouth, speaking through gritted teeth, _don’t call out for help, no one cares about you enough to come, anyway_. There’s so much on his mind right now, he can't possibly say it all. Changkyun shouldn’t have to deal with him being like this, shouldn’t have to be sat here as though things weren’t ice cold between them, as though Changkyun wasn’t scared to death of him only weeks ago. He shouldn’t have to brave it out while Minhyuk sits here like he’s wounded, licking his wounds thinking it’ll stop the blood flow like a child. Changkyun isn't entitled to help, isn't obliged to.

But he’s here. Like an Aurora Borealis in a dark sky, he sits next to Minhyuk and he _shines_.

“I can't stop thinking about what I did to you.” Minhyuk whispers. He hadn’t meant to say it, but it’s out now, he might as well throw out all his shit so he can pick it up at the same time. “I don’t want to think about it. You said before that it’s okay, that _we’re_ okay but then you look at me weird-” _stop making this about you, this isn't about you, this is about what you did to_ him “-or something happens and it starts again. I can go a day or two without thinking about it but its just there in my head and I can't get it out. You know I'm sorry, don’t you? I've said it before, right? That it won’t ever happen again. I won’t… I would never do that to you. I just… I can't fucking believe that it happened in the first place, that I did something so bad, so awful. I'm not that kind of person. I won’t even touch you if you don’t want me to. If you told me right now that you don’t want to have anything to do with me because of that then I won’t be angry- I wouldn’t even blame you. It’s… it was inexcusable. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just need to know where we stand.”

Minhyuk was such a hypocrite to speak to Changkyun about consent as though he hadn’t had his hands all over him weeks before. Still, this is easier to talk about than Hyungwon. It’s something they would’ve had to talk about eventually, no matter what. He glances up at Changkyun’s face only to see the younger staring at him with wide eyes, brows furrowed, fingers closing around his, tighter, until its almost painful. The silence is drawn out and almost unbearable between them, the tv is only background noise, the other members keeping only half an eye on the two of them, unable to hear them over the drama they're watching.

_Say something_. Minhyuk wants to beg. _Scream at me, hit me, tell me you hate me. I don’t care, just_ something _._

Changkyun blinks and then very slowly he lets go of Minhyuk's hands. The alpha feels his heart sink, readies himself for the denial, tries to steel his heart, dig his nails into his palm to root himself. _Don’t cry_. He tells himself as he takes a deep breath.

“I dreamed of rejecting your apologies.” Changkyun says eventually, looking away, shaking his head. Minhyuk feels a wave of nausea roil in his stomach. He clenches his fists tighter. “When I told you to scent me… I don’t know what was going through my head. It was a spur of the moment thing; we barely even spoke. I wanted to talk about this then but I froze up. Freaked out. You probably apologised then but I wasn’t even listening, I was too in my own head. I told myself that if it ever happened again, I would refuse you, I wouldn’t tell you that it was fine. That I can forget about what you did, that it was okay because it _wasn’t_. I was so scared of you, hyung. Even though I knew that it was because of your rut, all I could think was how hard I fought against you, I begged you to stop and you fucking _laughed_ , and afterwards the only thing that consoled me was imagining you begging for forgiveness and me sending you away and letting the thought of what you did make you hurt as much as you made me hurt.”

He laughs bitterly, shakes his head. Minhyuk bites back the tears in his eyes, swallows hard. “I don’t know what happened. It got harder to stay angry. At some point I realised that I was sick of feeling like this around you- the other hyung’s started asking me what was going on between us and it kinda hit me that I had nothing to say to them. Nothing that wouldn’t make me feel like shit too. I was just tired of this… this dancing around each other, but I don’t know. I didn’t want to be the one that held out my hand first, I guess. And then today, when you spoke to me about… about that thing. You didn’t have to do that for me and I didn’t understand why you’d done it. Even after I’d acted so cold towards you and everything.”

Minhyuk looks down, bites his lip. _I care about you_. He wants to say. _I told you because I care about you._

But he stays silent. He closes his mouth and lowers his head and doesn't say a word.

“We’re both tired of this, aren’t we, hyung?” Changkyun says, leaning back. “Then shouldn’t we get it over with? You told me you're sorry. I accept your apology, but I won’t forgive you.”

Minhyuk should have known it. Something like this couldn’t be forgiven. His fingers will always be branded on the younger alpha. Saying sorry won’t magically wipe them off.

“I won’t forgive you.” Changkyun repeats. “Because that’s basically me saying that nothing ever happened and I can't… that can't happen. Something like this- I won’t just forget it, I just _can't_ and if I have to drag that behind me then so do you. You understand that, right, hyung?”

Minhyuk nods mutely. He can't look up, he can't meet Changkyun eyes, not now. He’s trying so hard not to cry, he doesn't want to make this about him- this is about _Changkyun_ , he needs to stop being so selfish. Changkyun places a soft hand over his fists, light, gentle. Minhyuk doesn't acknowledge them.

“We can start from the beginning again.” Changkyun whispers. “Learn from the mistakes. Do things differently. I can't give you the world, but you can have me.”

_I can't give you the world, but you can have me._

Minhyuk’s breath catches in his throat, he wants to say something to express the extent of his gratefulness, how his heart can beat a little easier without such a heavy weight over it, heave out a thanks, drop to his knees and bow down, head touching the ground, kissing the alphas feet, anything, everything, he doesn't care, this is more than he could have hoped for, even in his dreams things don’t end up this good. He opens his mouth probably to say _thank you_ , to say, _you can have me, too_.

He opens his mouth and before he can swallow it down, he _sobs_.

He doesn't mean to, he didn’t want to cry but before he knows it Changkyun's arms are around him and he has a face full of fabric and sweat and _Changkyun_ , his tears are silent as they wet the alphas shirt and his body heaves. He’s certain that the others are staring at them now but all he can think is _thank you, thank you, thank you_ , because this is a second chance, this is his opportunity to show Changkyun, _look, I'm not as bad as you think, I can be good, I can be better. Just stick around, just don’t leave me yet. Stay a little longer, tell me what you want me to change about myself and I’ll do it, I’ll change for the better as long as you don’t leave me._

He’s so used to people leaving him, his parents throwing him out when they realised that he wasn’t the type of alpha worth investing time and effort into, that he wouldn’t equate to anything more than shame, wouldn’t add anything but disgrace on their otherwise pristine family name, his friends all spitting on him, _whore, slut, eager to please_ , and now his pack mates. If he shows them he’s worth something, if he shows them that he’s worth their time then surely, _surely_ they’ll stay?

He wants to clutch back, wants to put his arms around Changkyun's waist and draw him close but he won’t do that, not unless the alpha asks him to. He’s finally got a second chance- he isn't going to take it for granted.

“Ah.” Changkyun sighs, drawing back, cupping Minhyuk's face. “How many crying hyung’s do I have to deal with today?” He wipes Minhyuk's tears with a soft smile, raises an eyebrow teasingly. “If I was crying would you hold me with this much compassion?”

“If you wanted me to.” Minhyuk answers honestly and Changkyun laughs before cooing, hugs him tightly while he shakes his head in amusement. Minhyuk feels something close to contentment arouse within him and Changkyun touches him so tenderly, something that allows him to voice his concern.

“I don’t want to do something wrong again.” He says honestly. “But how do I know what’s right and what’s wrong?”

Changkyun frowns. “Isn't it obvious?” He says, moving his hands away from Minhyuk. “You _ask_. Look, try it.”

Minhyuk stares at the alpha apprehensively, reaches out, fingers hovering over the alpha with a strangely electrifying hesitancy. His eyes flicker down and then back up and Changkyun raises an eyebrow, prompting. Minhyuk bites his lip, takes a breath. “Can I hold your hand?”

Changkyun grins, wide and easy. “Yes.” He says and Minhyuk threads their fingers together sighing in relief. It lasts a minute before Changkyun extracts himself, places Minhyuk's hands into his own lap and nods. “Again.” He says. “Ask about something else.”

It’s not as hard as he thought it would be, isn't as scary as he’d anticipated. He raises his hand again, moves it towards Changkyun's arm and takes a soft breath. “Can I touch your arm?”

Changkyun watches him carefully, narrows his eyes with a strange intensity before speaking. “No.”

Immediately Minhyuk brings his hand back before he even registers the word properly, the word _no_ loud in his ears. There’s something satisfying in hearing the alpha say that word, something reassuring. Changkyun isn't being accommodating like he used to be. He’s drawing his boundaries, holding up signs which show how far he will allow people to go with him. Minhyuk finds that it is _brave_. His heart soars.

Changkyun smiles. “It wasn’t hard, was it?” He says and Minhyuk looks up, eyes shining.

“Can I touch your face?” He says instead of answering and Changkyun only hesitates for a second before saying a firm, “Yes.”

Minhyuk's hands come up to cup Changkyun's as the younger alpha had done to him only moments ago. He searches Changkyun's eyes which are dark and gentle and welcoming, he shines benevolent in Minhyuk's hold and the alpha only waits a second before asking quietly. “Can I kiss you?”

Changkyun hesitates, longer. “Not on my lips.” He says finally and Minhyuk smiles, leans forwards, lips pressing between Changkyun's brows and when he draws back the younger alpha is smiling too.

Something inside him has turned on his head, though he can't be sure what. The situation with Hyungwon isn't even close to being solved, but he’s too afraid to even step in the beta’s direction. Things with Changkyun haven’t healed but at least the wound isn't still bleeding.

The sky outside grows darker. Minhyuk supposes that there’s a part of him that will always look for the approval of others. He can sharpen claws and bare his teeth all he likes, there’s no changing the tenderness in his nature, no undoing how unusual he is, his hard corners softened to edges as though they’ve been chiselled away with sandpaper.

He used to think it was a weakness, all those edges, but maybe, maybe they're something more. Maybe he can carve them out, take a knife to them and turn them into steel hardened strengths. Not for anyone else, not to scream in the faces of those who spited him, a huge, gaping I-told-you-so. Not even to settle the eon long feud he's fought tirelessly with himself , lay down his weapons and finally transform the mess of his lungs into something holy, something cathartic, something resembling a love-softened cosmos.

No, this would be for those he hurt in the midst of his own pain, the strength giving way to a gentle apology, pressing kisses against smooth, soft skin and promising a love which burns bright and warm and beautiful on his shoulder blades which have finally spread out into the glowing wings of redemption.

**Author's Note:**

> I have twitter now so go follow me: @cryptidslikeus


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